ironic. I’m a shitty person sometimes, and guess what, I need to grow up. I have some reason/rational, but I need to look at the big picture sometimes. I’ll add to this later, but so far i’ve got, absent-minded, retarded, counter-productive, quiet, coward, and cunt to describe myself lately. My worst fear is realized, more than one actually, mostly because I dont know how to articulate and partially because I can’t hold more than one thought in my head at the same time. +1, useless

yeah I said it. I think a big part of “growing up” is finding the balance and distinction when dealing with selfishness, self-progress, contentiousness, and action. Think of other people, but also do what’s best for you. Live it. yeah I said it. 

only to expect things and then get let down. Lately I’ve been really good. Like school and the time management can be like therapy when its not a total buzzkill. Anyway, I’ve already started to make things less tangible and into ideas. What I think I know is slipping, not so much in the knowledge sense, but in whats familiar. Its like I’m tumbling in code, maybe I am. But its weird how I can expect perfect answers and solutions, imagine them, and be let down when my imagination doesnt meet up. I will say this now. Right now. I. am. happy. Life is going pretty well. I dont wanna lose my streak.

Zoe and Prabh, I decided to tumbl. So here’s the thing. Tomorrow. Instruction begins. Holy shiz. I’m pretty excited but at the same time not ready for the grind and balancing act that school becomes. I greatly fear slipping into what I like to think of “no mans land” or “nobody in melissa’s life land.” By that I don’t mean becoming an empty shell who only studies and feels guilty about working out; I mean becoming the person who is so consumed with deadlines and numbers on a scale which makes her put other people second. I want to be a lively diversely active person. And that means taking 1st semester Melissa and 2nd semester Melissa and making them meet. I think I can do it, and I am determined to.

Another note, I feel like I have a lot in common with my roommate, and its only to be uncovered throughout the year. Irene if you ever read this, you’re bomb, also I like that you say exactly what you think, its fucking empowering. Id like to know more about you, and at the same time dont want you to think I am creeping your life, or trying to be more involved than I am welcome. You’re being really strong and honest in all of your relationships, and I want to be like you in a lot of ways.

In General Being in Berkeley this week has made me feel great. I loved summer, and to be honest it was one of the best I’ve had. I went to SB, LA, Truckee, Humboldt, and Eugene. I got to be with friends and family I love, and I found out a lot about things I thought I knew about, and in the best way, was wrong. I dont know if I’m being a doe eyed college student, but I feel like I’m starting a new part of my life. A part that I hope, and genuinely think, I will cherish and love. I’m scared of stress, I’m scared of being unhealthy (in a number of ways). I want to find simple happiness and complex/valuable knowledge and relationships. I feel like all these doors are open and I need to take advantage of my opportunities, but not get lost or overwhelmed at the same time. Simply, I have no idea whats going on or whats to happen, but I’m ready to find out. End cliche. PEACE HOMIES I have a week of “real” class, and then my bestie comes for a visit. Down. Now I’m out

but

It’s not summer’s fault I’m getting fat.

It’s sad that I can, with less effort than I’m proud, find ways to relate myself and my life to that of Blair Waldorff and the song Kickstart.

I’m hoping that school will be everything I hope.

I’m excited to see people who make me feel good.

Summer school is almost over.

Resuming one of my lives is exciting, I dont know what happens to the other one.

(I mizzzz my bestie)

I’m learning more about my family, it’s good, it’s weird, it’s an experience. My dad sat me down yesterday to explain how he wants to talk to my brother Tim. He explained the “deal” he gives each of us kids, and how that deal is his way of managing parenting. My dad wants us to have a good life. We may make mistakes but at the end of it, when we can take the whole thing in, hopefully we can take more good from it than bad and mistakes considered, have enjoyed the ride. We wants us to do something we are passionate about. Something that makes us happy to do it. Money isn’t even really the issue, but we need to be able to rely on our parents to be there for us with some kind of support. My dad had nothing, and in his view, doesnt think that is necessary for us to appreciate what it means to work hard and to grow up. But he wants to see what is best for us, and it’s hard to keep in clue and pay attention to that all the time as a parent. I respect him a lot for even talking to me about it.

Not to spread all kinds of stuff about my dad on the interweb, but he is actually an AMAZING person. Yeah I joke that he is the happiest man alive; maybe about how I think he couldnt possibly be the only straightedge in cloyne (i have no idea how to spell it) growing up. But really, my Uncle Kevin, his brother, used to be a lot like Tim. For me thats rough enough. But my dad’s mom died, his brother committed suicide with my dad’s rifle, my dad’s dad then married my dad’s spanish teacher, and the two of them proceeded to sell and take my dad’s belongings, including his beloved guns, and then cut him off and kicked him out of the house. I cannot imagine that my dad did anything to deserve any of that.

It just puts things into perspective.

On a slightly brighter note, I have been talking with my brother Matt a bunch since he has been staying at home for a while. I like to feel like a part of something, so its nice to be a part of a sibling relationship for once in my life. Its also nice that I get the feeling that we are proud of each other. It’s a nice safety net. Its weird but Matt has also become someone I can talk to about my relationships; friendships, falling outs, other more obvious things… I don’t always know if I can use his insight because our situations differ a lot, it seems, but I think I can… to some extents. I only get annoyed when Matt seems to know everything there is to know and treats me like I am just learning so I’m still in the stage of making mistakes (which of course I am), but he usually makes sure to say, “But i can’t give advice because no relationship takes the same advice, we are all different people with different modes of handling” or something like that. I appreciate it. Update: just talked with Matt. My parents are writing their will and matt is basically in charge of what goes down. woah.

Off of family for a bit: people have FINALLY started to call me, instead of me ALWAYS calling them. Or maybe they are just returning my calls really REALLY late. lol. OMPA is next weekend and I’ll  maybe make some money/hang out with friends at the same time. 

This is all so weird because for a week now I have thought that I was gonna be the one to be fine. That I would go on doing my thing, only feeling odd at night. But there is a void and a lot of reminders. Also being at the campfire last night listening to Kate’s ipod reminded me that not everyone listens to house music all the time now. Sad. Currently I’m sitting at my bed and I just noticed the 1-day acuvue most contacts sitting on my desk. Yup.

I haven’t worked out in 3 days, 2 were spent with Will 1 spent sleeping and eating enormous amounts of campfire food. I need to get off my ass. I just looked at pics from the vineman ironman which a bunch of my tri teammates did. Yup.

I need to commit to being healthy this time round. Maybe start my homework today after I run. Claire gets back today… maybe see her? I dunno, but I feel grungy, I smell like smoke, and I feel like I’m wasting my time. Gonna get ready to run and then hopefully I will feel less worthless. I’m just noticing that I started this post on a rather good note and now what am I doing. This is craziness, I’m weirding myself out right about now.

Wolfgang Gartner, why can’t you create the soundtrack to my life. My life would be undoubtedly kickass if I lived as hard as that music. Ok but on to other things. Though this happened a few days ago I think that I should recap some of the thoughts that went through my head Thursday while on my run in Lafayette Community Park.

I had zero spine junior year. I passed by a boy’s house. I remember driving at midnight without my year to pick him up once, really because I couldn’t believe he even wanted to meet up with me. This wasn’t the first time either. I had snuck out of my friends house once to meet up with him and some of his friends at an empty pool house, where we watched the old Clue movie and secretly held hands under the blankets. I didn’t really speak and I remember having my thoughts racing the entire time, desperately trying to think of the “cool” or “right” way to act in front of these people. I felt a huge need to please them, or meet some kind of invisible list of standards. I was a shell. I did things like drive across town low on gas to be in the right place at the right time, and ignored enormous red flags. Once again, not something new. Later down the line I did it again, but this time it was worth my while with someone I trust now. It was strange coming to the realization that the me now would evaluate the people in my life, then, so much differently.

I’ve been on a bunch of trips and have forgotten about people already. As I ran down what was once the final stretch of a familiar 5K cross country course I remembered the time that Liza Gilhuly fell and finished the race with blood dripping of her forehead. Its strange to me that I used to run with her everyday for 2 years. Or that I have been on 4 Clovis Trips, 2 Mission Viejo trips, raced (swim, run, tri) in Davis, LA, SB, San Luis Obispo, Reno, well a bunch of places. I want to remember of my experiences. I know that is impossible, but for not traveling much, I’ve still had a lot of experiences in different places. I just usually cast them off as not as exciting as other peoples vacations or adventures, but really they have a lot of value, and I dont want to forget the times I’ve shared with people I may never hang out with again. Sidenote: TI’s whatever you like will always remind me of Mackenzie and Lauren beasting it in Fresno, and thus bring me back to Boomer’s memories and all that jazz.

Some of the times I have had this year have been the best of my life. Wildflower & EDC. Easily the happiest times of my life thus far. I’ve never felt so…for lack of a better word, right. I don’t think ever. I would elaborate, but I don’t think I can put it into words.

I have doubt. I haven’t fully and deeply committed. I still hold back, in all relationships, friends, family, more than that. not to say I’m not committed, I am. But I still feel uncomfortable talking about things and dance around things that make me uneasy. It will never be a fully open gate, and that wouldn’t be normal anyway. however, I have found people that I no longer have to hide things from. I still hide things in other cases. Obviously my family, but some of my friends too. This isn’t very probing or clear. Its just what if there are more people out there who I don’t have to feel a need to hide from…should I be seeking that out?

I constantly assume that one thing in turn means another. That if someone has plans with some friends, that they assume I am lesser because I am at home. that because I have to work hard, that I am lesser because I need to put in more effort. That because I dont workout I dont deserve to like myself and figure what’s the point. Related to that point, if someone else has something and I am jealous, that they did not have to work like I would for it. It’s stupid, it makes my life unnecessarily less pleasant, and I know it.

While I have these weird confidence crisis moments, there are times when I think I am the fucking shit. I don’t know if its a good thing or not. But just as I think I’m not good enough, there are times where I feel like I have it all going for me and no one else really has got it like me. It’s odd, and I try to keep it secret. But to be honest, those are usually the times I am visibly in a good mood, I just dont voice much about it. I also find that’s when I am most modest, like I’m trying to mask that I’m proud of myself. I set goals so when I dont achieve them people are sometimes confused as to why I am so upset, but when I do I act as if I’ve done nothing out of the ordinary. Its just how I function.

there was more, but I’m getting tired and I haven’t really said anything of huge importance. I just missed writing on here a little bit. To wrap up, I’m pretty stoked for school, and pretty unsure about some things that I have finally figured out and admitted to myself. The real question is if I’ll have the balls to do it, and really test to see if I’ve grown at all in a meaningful sense. Yeay for vagueness! I’ll see you bloggin fools later

-ESSENTIALS ARE ESSENTIAL

-I think everyone should ride BART just to observe how different and the same we all are, I like to observe

- I know I’m gonna get back and I’m excited to do so

- the future. what is it and how do you know when you get there?